WELCOME TO HOLLYWOOD

(I wrote this 11 years ago, but I think it holds just as true today.)

“Excuse me.  Where do I go to be a star?”  Heather Graham says this as she gets off of the bus in the movie “Bowfinger”.  I saw this movie way before I ever moved to Los Angeles, and thought it was hilarious then.  But wow, after moving here, I had no idea how accurate that movie was. 

Some reviews weren’t favorable for the movie, but I have always loved Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy.  And after living here, I realize how realistic those characters really are.  We’ve all met the actor who keeps holding on, waiting for their break, and why, we don’t know.  It never comes.  We’ve met the lucky guy who just happened to be in the right place at the right time.  The director (or agent) who’ll tell you exactly what you want to hear.  The actress that, if it weren’t for her looks, wouldn’t be anywhere.  The leading man, who is so arrogant and so self-centered, you’re surprised anyone would want to work with him.  And the name-droppers.  Hollywood wouldn’t be Hollywood if it weren’t for all the *&%$! name-droppers! 

“Welcome to Hollywood.  Everybody’s got a dream.  What’s your dream?”  What’s your plan should be the question.  When I first got here, the main question EVERYBODY asked me is “What’s your plan?”  Now, really I came to L.A. to get more stage time and take Groundlings classes.  Back in Nashville, where I’m from, there is one comedy club, and it only allows you to do its open mic once a month.  Other than that, there was one other open mic in a bar that was once a week.  You can’t get better at anything if you don’t do it any more often than that.  So that was my plan.  Others felt it wasn’t a good plan, but it was all I needed. 

But I went through the motions of finding an agent.  I landed one within a year or so.  Is it a good agent?  Does it matter?  A bad agent is better than no agent at all.  She had me get new headshots, which I probably needed.  She wanted me to take commercial acting classes, but I am extremely cheap.  She sent me on three auditions, but the third one I landed (I think because of the overalls I was wearing.  Make fun of how I dress, will you?).  It was an industrial, and because of it, I am now SAG eligible.  Yay! 

But what does that mean?  I still haven’t gotten any more auditions.  People say, send your headshot out.  Isn’t that what an agent is for?  Look on Craigslist.  I got a date off Craigslist once; I won’t EVER do that again!  And why?  To find gigs to work for free?  I guess that’s helpful…if I wanted to be an actor. 

I don’t like the downtime.  I don’t like memorization.  I don’t like constantly being surrounded by pompous, arrogant, vain people who drive BMWs and drink Starbucks.  I hate the huge, bug-eyed sunglasses that people wear…indoors.  I hate the nasty air and pollution.  I am not happy living in an “apartment” that used to be a hotel room.  It does, however, remind me ofeing in college.  I call it my dorm room.  But it’s hard to think that for the same rent I’m paying here, I could get a two-bedroom apartment with the works!  It’s hard to make real friends or to have real dates here, because people out here are only interested in what they can get out of you or what you can do for them.  Hollywood is fake on so many different levels.  But don’t get me wrong.  There are a lot of good people here.  I’ve met some amazing folks. 

Now that I’ve been here for a while, I cringe when I here someone say they are an actor.  First, really?  What have you been in?  Oh, nothing?  Then you’re not an actor.  Actors act, they don’t sit around bullshitting and name-dropping.  Second, are you studying acting?  Have you wanted to be an actor since you were five?  Are you passionate about it?  Or do you just want to be famous?  Because I’ve got to tell you, I have wanted to do comedy since I was a child.  I am constantly writing, constantly observing, constantly eating, sleeping and breathing comedy.  It is the one true love of my life.  Can you say that Mr. Actor or Miss Actress? 

To be an actor, a comedian, an entertainer of any kind takes discipline, practice, studying, and perfecting.  You don’t just go out and buy paints and decide that you’re an artist.  You don’t just buy a guitar and decide that you’re a musician.  It takes work and time…LOTS of it.  It doesn’t happen overnight, and it shouldn’t.  They say it takes ten years to become an overnight success.  I believe that.  It would probably take you that long to become good.  It would take even longer to become great!  I hear new comics all the time say:  “Oh, I’ve been doing standup for about a year.”  Really?  Well, keep at it. 

I hear so many other people talking about how they’re going to be doing this, or they’re working on that, or how they’re going on the road…blah, blah, blah.  Talk is all that is.  A year later, and none of them are doing any of that.  There are those who talk the talk, and then there are those who walk the walk.  If people are running their mouths about something, then they probably aren’t doing much else.  The people who are really doing stuff, don’t say shit about it.  They just get the job done.  They just do it.   

So what’s my plan now?  To just do it.  I realize that what makes me happy is not what’s going to make you happy, or her happy, or him happy.  And you can’t measure success by someone else.  Success to one person may be making huge paychecks and driving a BMW.  (On a side note, I would be happy if I NEVER saw another BMW and its pretentious-ass driver again.)  Success to me is making enough money to live comfortably doing what I love and what I’m passionate about, to be with real friends, and to wake up everyday excited and happy about what I’m doing.  That is success.  And I don’t know that I’ll find that here in L.A., but because of Hollywood, I know better about what I really want.  Thank you, Hollywood.